My name is Amy and I'm an addict

It's been a while since I've had one of my extreme yarn buying moments. I've been stash busting and trying to decrease my yarn consumption since the beginning of January. I'd call it a New Year's Resolution except I resolved to never resolve again so let's just consider the timing coincidental. It seemed like a good idea to detox a bit since my stash closet has met it's capacity and ultimately I would like a new car someday. I was doing well and even made a few things purely from stash.

Then last week I slipped a little when I bought some yarn to make a vest. Even then I planned to use some stash yarn in the vest too. I thought about it in advance and knew what I was going to buy for the vest, fully justifying my impending purchase. However, I saw some lavender Malabrigo when I got to my LYS and HAD TO HAVE IT! It was new and it was meant to be. I bought it along with the yarn for my vest and figured even though I spent over $100, I had a $50 gift card to make it seem less lavish. I managed to get through that experience with only a twinge of guilt which was almost impossible to feel when my fingers rubbed over that new Malabrigo. Yummmm.

Then came today. Never should I even enter the general vicinity of a yarn store when I'm pissed at my boss. Never! When will I ever learn. I just happened to be in Waterville about a half a mile from a fabulously stocked yarn store today. I told myself when I got out of my meeting there that I would just slip on over for a minute and buy 1 skein. I justified it by telling myself I deserved it for working hard for my money and putting up with the Queen of Lies and Back Stabbing for a boss. I was thinking about how soothing a soft, beautiful scarf that I could fondle (and possibly choke myself with) would be whenever my boss comes near me. So after all kinds of self talk and justification, I went. What I didn't expect was to walk into the store and immediately see those magic words written on the whiteboard "All hand knit yarns 20-50% off". Oh my. I immediately started to shake and get that sick nervous feeling inside while my thoughts ran into overdrive. I must buy, I mustn't let this sale die in vain while simultaneously the other part of my brain said "run, get out now, don't even look, JUST SAY NO!" I kept walking as if I was on autopilot, all the while feeling tingles all through my body and a small bit of nausea. I felt out of control and almost rabid as I began to touch the vast array of heartbreakingly gorgeous yarns. I made myself move slowly in a controlled way even though inside I could feel my heartbeat speeding up and my breathing becoming erratic. I couldn't stop. I have a problem. I need yarn, especially yarn on sale.

When I left I was slightly less shaky but now feeling like a closet yarn freak with a problem. I was carrying my bag wondering how I was going to sneak "that" into the house. My original plan had been to put the 1 skein I was going to buy into my work bag, heck maybe even my purse. I figured it would be days before Eric even knew about it. Usually he teases me about my incessant yarn buying but I wasn't sure how he'd react to another binge so soon after last week. When I got home I tried to smoosh the over sized bag into my work bag, after I took out a bunch of other things to make room. I casually walked in the house and set my stuff down. He's not stupid. He probably knew I'd go to that yarn store before I did. Maybe he knew I had a problem and didn't tell me, who knows. I didn't get into the house 15 seconds before he asked me if I went to the yarn store. I just hung my head in shame. I've never been addicted to anything before I got into yarn. First I started experimenting with the cheap stuff from Walmart and JoAnn's but after a while it just wasn't doing it for me anymore. I started going to dedicated yarn stores and picking out more expensive and luxuriant fibers. They just looked and felt so good! Before I knew it I was buying yarn just to have it, with no particular project in mind for it. How can something that feels so good be bad?!

In my defense though, it could be worse. At least its safe to drive after I've gone on a binge in the yarn store. That's a good thing too, since I'll probably never get a new car and can't afford to bust mine up!

I tried to deny I truly have a problem. I looked up the diagnosis of addiction thinking I may only really like (LOVE times infinity) yarn and if I saw the symptoms I might see that I don't really have a problem. Yeah right. I included the diagnosis here from freedictionary.com for anyone else out there in serious denial of their yarn/fiber addiction. You know who you are! Even though I have a problem I don't plan on stopping. Whenever I think of a car payment vs. buying yarn, the yarn always wins. If there ever comes a time when I get anywhere I'll just hang out in my closet and sniff the yarn.

Diagnosis (from freedictionary.com)
In addition to a preoccupation with using and acquiring the abused substance, the diagnosis of addiction is based on five criteria:
loss of willpower
harmful consequences
unmanageable lifestyle
tolerance or escalation of use
withdrawal symptoms upon quitting

playing with smilebox

Judgement Aside

It's been a while since I have posted any knitted projects here. I am always working on something even though my progress tends to be much slower these days. Recently my daughter turned 7 and for her birthday I made her and her doll matching hats. It was really self serving because she had commandeered my alpaca hat and wouldn't take it off except to bathe and sleep. I was hoping a new hat would replace mine, but she seems to be an alpaca girl like her mom. She likes the new hat but still loves the alpaca one. I'm just going to have to make myself a new one.

My 5 year old was insisting on a new sweater so I finally got to work on that. Not only was he insisting on the sweater but he was full of ideas about the colors and how it should look. He really wanted a rainbow sweater. I just couldn't bring myself to do an all out rainbow sweater so we compromised on the colors a bit. I tend to stick to basic hues and little to no color changes in my desire to "blend in" so this was a challenge for me. I had to keep taking deep breaths and remind myself that if it looked downright awful it would be okay. He is definitely his own person and really the only one in the family who could walk out of the house proudly wearing this sweater.

Now I am working (slowly) on a vest with fair isle for myself. It's worked from the bottom up so that's new for me. I'm already getting a little bored with the stockinette and thinking about casting on another project to work on a bit in between. There are so many projects and so little time!

Apart from knitting, I am still working through my grief over the death of Ashlee, one of my neighbors. She was only 12. For those of you who haven't heard the story there it can be found here: http://www.wcsh6.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=100128#comments along with my comment to the unfortunate people who felt compelled to judge this family. I just have to keep reminding myself that they aren't blessed with the knowledge I have

I was at a session with a therapist to talk about dealing with my illness when Ashlee died. I was full of thoughts about the talk and a metta chant I was given to practice as I drove home, blissfully unaware of what was happening near my home. I had no idea that many of the things we had talked about in that hour would be put into practice for an entirely different reason.

3 families were directly involved that night. We are a small neighborhood where the children play together and move about freely in each other's homes. There are things we know that only we can know about the families and about the events leading up to that night. It is heartbreaking to see the judgement directed at Ashlee's parents. It is time for judgement to be cast aside. I for one feel no power in anger and blame. It will take a long time to put the pieces back together again. Now that the funeral is over we all have to find our ground. Those 3 families need to figure out how they'll interact with each other and with the rest of us on the street. It is our job to embrace them and stand by them no matter what.

When the 10 year old who survived the crash came by with his mother earlier today I fully understood the crossroads we're at. It was never more important than today to welcome this boy into our home. My son was sick and yet I was filled with pride that he also understood the importance of playing with his friend regardless of how he was feeling. He seems to know innately that even though he wasn't with the others that night, he will play an important part of the healing process. The boy's mother didn't want to come into my house and I understand that. When I looked at her it was as if she'd seen a ghost, which I believe she has and will see for a long time. The fear of judgment was all too plainly there in her eyes. It is tragic that we've come to this. Grieving for a beautiful girl filled with potential while we figure out where everyone stands now. Nothing can be assumed now as we greet each other and look into each other's eyes.

As for the 13 year old's family, only time will tell. The story there is too deep and wrought with unfortunate circumstances for me to explain. I'll admit that I myself judged that family in the past. It was that judgment that kept us from allowing our son to play at their house. There was a time when Eric and I questioned our decision and felt extremely uncomfortable having to explain to them why we made that decision. We all make choices as parents and usually don't ever know if we were right or wrong. As the owners of the snowmobile that family will have their own set of ghosts or demons to deal with. It is more of a struggle for me to keep from judging them, but I am making strides and I'll keep at it. I've learned that sometimes judgement serves a place and that it can save a life. Yet I am seeing now the difference between making choices that you feel are best for your child versus being spiteful and holding a grudge. As for the others, I'll be there for that family too, if ever needed.

I may never be able to see the good in all of this. It is a harsh reminder that we never know what corners our lives will take. I'll just hope that my role in healing will be a positive one and that the pain will begin to diminish in the days/weeks to come.

"You are just as capable of making a mistake as anyone else. By insisting too eagerly upon a small right, you may turn it into a wrong against yourself and also against your neighbor." Lawrence G. Lovasik