"I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers." -Kahlil Gibran, "Sand and Foam"
I am on day 2 of wallowing in self pity but I'm ready to start moving on. There will be more grief to come and I need to steady my pace to meet it head on with each new day. I am coming to accept that my son is hearing impaired and that I passed this on to him. Now I need to bolster up my strength to face the challenges that are yet to come. I have already learned so much in such a short time. I've learned good or bad that people can still surprise me. The friends I thought would be the most sympathetic have been the ones who have deserted me. Others where I least expected have shown compassion and shared my grief. I have cried over these challenges yet I've come away with a deeper understanding of how I can be a better person. I am grateful that my son is healthy and resilient. I know that other parents have faced much greater challenges and that our family will get through this. Still, I don't feel guilty about wishing for a different outcome. I don't feel guilty for feeling a sense of loss, both for him and for myself. As hard as it is, I am trying to focus on the positive. There are very kind and generous people in the world and although those weren't the people I sought comfort from, they are there to make the world brighter. My value is not defined my another's ignorance. I became who I am through an adversity that most people will never understand. Thankfully, there are many people who can simply feel empathy, even if the experience is not their own. I have decided to let go of the anger I've felt so that I can move on with a few new lessons learned. Being hearing impaired has taught me lessons I never would have learned otherwise, and I would not trade that for anything. Hopefully in years to come, my son will also be grateful for the gift he's been given.
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3 comments:
I didn't know you were going through this. The fact that he's healthy is the most important thing, although I know that does not diminish how you feel.
I had no idea this was happening either. As a mother, such news is so hard to take. Days of grief are necessary and give you the chance you gather your strength to help him. He is very lucky to have such a loving mommy. Big hugs to you both.
Amy - I had no idea that you were hearing impaired. Your son is lucky to have you to help him understand what makes him different. Different, but not less of a person. And I hope the guilt leaves you soon. You didn't pass something on to him through irresponsibility, but through genetics; and you have no control over that. Hugs.
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