Love the tree...

...As you love me

Today was pretty uneventful. More specifically I was feeling too under the weather to notice much if anything eventful was happening. So I ended up packing it in and heading home early from work, hoping to just vegetate for a while and forget how lousy I was feeling while I waited for some pain meds to kick in. When I was home long enough for the meds to start working and my feet to start moving, I got up and noticed "a problem". My son's tree was lying on its side in the backyard. I immediately realized how completely awful this was and how telling my son would be almost as bad as telling him one of the pets had died. I also immediately realized that it was unlikely an accident that the tree was in its current position, remembering what my children had recently told me about the new neighbor children saying they had wanted to cut it down. At the time my son had informed them that it was HIS tree and that they could not go into our yard and cut it down.

The tree was obtained as nothing more than a small sprig when my oldest was less than a year old at the Maine State Parade, a parade that he and Eric were in. We planted it that year in our yard and a couple years later (when the picture was taken) we moved it to make room for some landscaping we were doing. When we moved here about 5 and a half years ago, it was transplanted again, here in the corner of our backyard. We have watched it grow into what was, until recently, a tree taller than our son! I regret not taking a picture this past fall with my son in front of it when I talked about doing it. That brings me to the moral of the story.

In the past several months I have learned more than I ever wanted about doing things and not putting them off. I can't begin to list all the things I regret not doing now that I never will, or even the things I wish I could do 1 more time, like dance, ice skate, run etc.

When I went out to look at the tree more closely, I saw that it wasn't cut at the bottom, but had been cut about halfway down, about 4 feet. I asked the neighbor child who was at that moment playing in our stream if he knew what had happened. I informed him that it appeared to have been cut, judging by the hatchet marks. He denied doing it, although I still had my suspicions.

I was unbelievably relieved that it wasn't gone completely even though it will never grow the same again. It got me thinking how much that tree is like me now. It will never grow the same but at least its alive and will still be special to us if we allow ourselves to change our belief about how its supposed to be. As Eric and my oldest went through their rage and disappointment over the tree, I stopped them to remind them its okay to be angry and grieve over it, but that it isn't a total loss. I shared with them how the tree is more special to me now because it can help remind us about accepting things in a new way, like me with my illness. I also told them in no uncertain terms can it ever be cut down now, even if it doesn't have the right shape. Eric agreed that we can help it grow into a new shape and helped explain to the kids that it will never have the Christmas tree shape we had planned for it but that will be okay.

That being said, Eric still went straight over to the new neighbors and told the mother what had happened. He was angry (very angry) but he kept his cool and showed the mother and the son the picture of our son with the tree. He explained how it is special and can't be replaced with another tree because of the sentiment its held for us and our son over the years. Again the boy denied it, so Eric told them that he would be calling the police to make a report. Incidentally, shortly after the policeman left our house, the mother showed up with her son to admit he'd done it and to apologize. Even though he did it, it helped make the situation a little easier to accept when he owned up to it. It probably also helped salvage a potentially bad relationship with the new neighbors, since this was our first and only interaction with them, they have only been here about a month.

I have to admit that I am making lots of parallels in the world now as I deal with this unrelenting pain. I am almost certain I will be diagnosed with RSD aka Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy or more recently called CRPS. It is not a good thing and I tried for a long time to deny I might have it. There was a time when I was spending time every day researching all the possible diagnoses I could get. Believe it or not, I would actually try to choose some over others, thinking this or that would be better than this one or that one. It sounds pretty ridiculous but I guess being in this situation can seem ridiculous anyway. I would continue to "up the ante" and knowing it was a little worse than I had previously allowed myself to believe, choose one that was unthinkable a only few weeks before. I think it was my way of preparing myself for whatever would come and trying to have some control over accepting one thing over another. However, I had become well versed in RSD/CRPS and had refused to accept that one, even though it seemed eerily similar to my symptoms. In fact, I showed Eric some information on it one day that I had printed off and he thought I had made it up, thinking the symptoms and thoughts about it could have been written by me.

I haven't been diagnosed with it yet, but two doctors have brought it up and the last neurologist is going to test me for it at the end of February. I have wanted a diagnosis for so long but I really don't want this one. The odds aren't in my favor for it to be anything less than debilitating, even with a positive attitude and a will to fight against it. It was has been said by some to be the most painful of the chronic pain conditions. I have already gotten to the stage where irreparable twisting in my arm has taken place. I just keep believing that with the right help I can overcome it and stay positive. I am fighting everyday to let my brain decide how I feel, not my body. Some days its more of a struggle than others, but I don't plan to ever give up. I will keep feeding my mind with positive information and thoughts, changing my perception about how things should be and being satisfied with how they can be. That's what I can control and I intend to do that. My body almost seems like this separate entity, a demon, trying to take over, but I will fight it and ask for help on the days it seems impossible. There are days when I feel sad about losing the person I used to be, or the things I can't do anymore, but I don't dwell on that. I just have to accept the person I am now and not even fear what may happen in the future. This serves me well and has given me some release not only from that loss but from so many other ditty little things that haggle us through life.