Limping Along

Well, tis the season for sitting on Santa's lap. We took the kids to visit and get their photo this weekend.
I got a special surprise when two of my "other children" gave me a special photo of them sitting on Santa's lap. I laughed so hard it hurt. It doesn't take much. They really aren't kids at all, as the photo will tell, but I have the great pleasure of working with them and supervising them.


I have to admit that my previous optimism over my health problems has waned over the past few days. Unfortunately, I had placed too much stock and hope in the second opinion I went for from a neurologist in Portland. I realized too late that I had been expecting that visit to be the light at the end of the tunnel and hadn't really prepared myself for anything but that. He wasn't bad, but certainly not promising in delivering any more answers. He wasn't even willing to answer me when I asked outright what the worst case scenario is, and if the possibility exists that I could die. I don't spend too much time contemplating dying, but it does occasionally enter my mind that the longer I wait for answers, the further along something catastrophic could be getting. It hasn't helped that my current pain medications are starting to fail and I am struggling to even walk now. I have accepted that I likely have a permanent limp and I can handle that, but the pain is not something I am willing to accept. I use a cane to walk in the house and now have to seriously consider if I am ready to start using it in public. I also have a tremor in my hand that before came and went, but now seems to be here for good. The neurologist told me that I have carpal tunnel syndrome and even suggested that my tremor might be anxiety. That was just plain stupid! First of all, the fact that I have carpal tunnel is not even worth my time to think about. It is so mild compared to everything else that I could care less about it. Second of all, the only thing I even worry about is talking to doctors, since everything else seems mild in comparison. If it was anxiety, I can't help but think it would be in both hands, not just in my affected side. I don't believe I even have the ability to be stressed or anxious about life and work, even though he kept alluding to the idea that I have a stressful job.

I have learned to live in the moment and really think only about today, every day. I have found ways to be nurturing and available to my children that don't need much physical exertion. In a nutshell, I have LET GO of many of my own expectations and worrying about whether people think I am a good mother, wife or employee. That is one of the positive changes I have seen from all of this. For the first time I have realized what it means to really stop and "smell the roses". I sit more and listen to my children, watching and just letting them know that I love them. It's hard to believe that before I was so busy trying to be "Supermom" that I missed many of the really special moments. Yeah, my house isn't as clean, but overall it isn't bad. I just take shortcuts wherever I can. I am still hopeful (naive?) but discouraged with the doctors. I have so many things in life to be grateful for and I don't intend to let anything stop me from enjoying them. I am not sure what the next step is for me with doctors and testing, but I guess in a few days I'll figure it out and move on. For today, I will do my best to muddle through the pain and look forward to celebrating my birthday with Eric for a few days in Kennebunkport.