My 5 year old was insisting on a new sweater so I finally got to work on that. Not only was he insisting on the sweater but he was full of ideas about the colors and how it should look. He really wanted a rainbow sweater. I just couldn't bring myself to do an all out rainbow sweater so we compromised on the colors a bit. I tend to stick to basic hues and little to no color changes in my desire to "blend in" so this was a challenge for me. I had to keep taking deep breaths and remind myself that if it looked downright awful it would be okay. He is definitely his own person and really the only one in the family who could walk out of the house proudly wearing this sweater.
Now I am working (slowly) on a vest with fair isle for myself. It's worked from the bottom up so that's new for me. I'm already getting a little bored with the stockinette and thinking about casting on another project to work on a bit in between. There are so many projects and so little time!
Apart from knitting, I am still working through my grief over the death of Ashlee, one of my neighbors. She was only 12. For those of you who haven't heard the story there it can be found here: http://www.wcsh6.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=100128#comments along with my comment to the unfortunate people who felt compelled to judge this family. I just have to keep reminding myself that they aren't blessed with the knowledge I have
I was at a session with a therapist to talk about dealing with my illness when Ashlee died. I was full of thoughts about the talk and a metta chant I was given to practice as I drove home, blissfully unaware of what was happening near my home. I had no idea that many of the things we had talked about in that hour would be put into practice for an entirely different reason.
3 families were directly involved that night. We are a small neighborhood where the children play together and move about freely in each other's homes. There are things we know that only we can know about the families and about the events leading up to that night. It is heartbreaking to see the judgement directed at Ashlee's parents. It is time for judgement to be cast aside. I for one feel no power in anger and blame. It will take a long time to put the pieces back together again. Now that the funeral is over we all have to find our ground. Those 3 families need to figure out how they'll interact with each other and with the rest of us on the street. It is our job to embrace them and stand by them no matter what.
When the 10 year old who survived the crash came by with his mother earlier today I fully understood the crossroads we're at. It was never more important than today to welcome this boy into our home. My son was sick and yet I was filled with pride that he also understood the importance of playing with his friend regardless of how he was feeling. He seems to know innately that even though he wasn't with the others that night, he will play an important part of the healing process. The boy's mother didn't want to come into my house and I understand that. When I looked at her it was as if she'd seen a ghost, which I believe she has and will see for a long time. The fear of judgment was all too plainly there in her eyes. It is tragic that we've come to this. Grieving for a beautiful girl filled with potential while we figure out where everyone stands now. Nothing can be assumed now as we greet each other and look into each other's eyes.
As for the 13 year old's family, only time will tell. The story there is too deep and wrought with unfortunate circumstances for me to explain. I'll admit that I myself judged that family in the past. It was that judgment that kept us from allowing our son to play at their house. There was a time when Eric and I questioned our decision and felt extremely uncomfortable having to explain to them why we made that decision. We all make choices as parents and usually don't ever know if we were right or wrong. As the owners of the snowmobile that family will have their own set of ghosts or demons to deal with. It is more of a struggle for me to keep from judging them, but I am making strides and I'll keep at it. I've learned that sometimes judgement serves a place and that it can save a life. Yet I am seeing now the difference between making choices that you feel are best for your child versus being spiteful and holding a grudge. As for the others, I'll be there for that family too, if ever needed.
I may never be able to see the good in all of this. It is a harsh reminder that we never know what corners our lives will take. I'll just hope that my role in healing will be a positive one and that the pain will begin to diminish in the days/weeks to come.
"You are just as capable of making a mistake as anyone else. By insisting too eagerly upon a small right, you may turn it into a wrong against yourself and also against your neighbor." Lawrence G. Lovasik
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