Blah!

In the past week or so I have discovered a few things about myself. I am not exactly excited about these discoveries because as they say, "ignorance is bliss". I'm not going to pretend I was living in a state of bliss, but I will say it had it's finer points. So, what did I learn?

1. I have feelings. Blah. I hate feelings. Double blah. I was sooooo content to live in my little world of Detachment and Denial. I was PROUD of it, actually. I even told myself I was doing so well with it, I was just one Uncaring act away from being a complete DUD. I let the little voices in my head chant the virtues of apathy and hid my face from the problems in front of me. And then, I started crying because someone is ill. And I kept crying. And on day 3 I think I was crying because I was crying and I didn't think I could care that much. Damn. Then, we move on to the next discovery...

2. I kinda like how some feelings feel (but I still hate them). Having, and expressing, feelings is like opening up a world to other possibilities I wouldn't have normally risked finding out about. The dam has broke. Once you let one of those stupid tears through it's like they all want to start coming. And with tears of sadness comes tears of joy and all those other mixed up feelings in between. A really sad moment turns into an amazing discovery about kindness and giving that makes your heart full of love at the same time it's aching all over. Pretty soon you start writing all kinds of sappy bullshit on your blog and sounding like a blubbering idiot. You can already start to see why feelings can be bad, leading us to discovery #3...

3. I have "other" feelings too (like bad ones). Well, I already knew I had bad feelings. But, when it comes to sharing feelings I am closed tighter than a jar of pickles left to rust in the snow. I would often admit that I didn't even KNOW how I felt about things because I was so good at detaching from the "stronger" ones. My ability to maintain silence on what I am feeling has been a very important survival skill at work. However, I am only now realizing that there is a difference between open honest discussion about thoughts and one about feelings. I'll gladly share my thoughts with you, but feelings will cost ya. So, I have learned that on occasion I should ask myself (in my little stern voice), "How does that really make you feel?" "Now, be honest, no one else can ever know what your answer is if you don't say it out loud." "You're lying, tell the truth, even if it hurts. It's only hurting you."

Okay, I do that sometimes already. But now, I need to tell the truth, even if it's just to myself.

In my final discovery, I have come to realize that I am going to hell for having angry feelings and calling karma to pay a visit on a few folks. However, this is a price I am willing to pay if a certain stupid cashier at Wendy's chokes on a chicken sandwich and a certain old lady is seized and tried by a band of 16th century witch hunters.