Limping Along

Well, tis the season for sitting on Santa's lap. We took the kids to visit and get their photo this weekend.
I got a special surprise when two of my "other children" gave me a special photo of them sitting on Santa's lap. I laughed so hard it hurt. It doesn't take much. They really aren't kids at all, as the photo will tell, but I have the great pleasure of working with them and supervising them.


I have to admit that my previous optimism over my health problems has waned over the past few days. Unfortunately, I had placed too much stock and hope in the second opinion I went for from a neurologist in Portland. I realized too late that I had been expecting that visit to be the light at the end of the tunnel and hadn't really prepared myself for anything but that. He wasn't bad, but certainly not promising in delivering any more answers. He wasn't even willing to answer me when I asked outright what the worst case scenario is, and if the possibility exists that I could die. I don't spend too much time contemplating dying, but it does occasionally enter my mind that the longer I wait for answers, the further along something catastrophic could be getting. It hasn't helped that my current pain medications are starting to fail and I am struggling to even walk now. I have accepted that I likely have a permanent limp and I can handle that, but the pain is not something I am willing to accept. I use a cane to walk in the house and now have to seriously consider if I am ready to start using it in public. I also have a tremor in my hand that before came and went, but now seems to be here for good. The neurologist told me that I have carpal tunnel syndrome and even suggested that my tremor might be anxiety. That was just plain stupid! First of all, the fact that I have carpal tunnel is not even worth my time to think about. It is so mild compared to everything else that I could care less about it. Second of all, the only thing I even worry about is talking to doctors, since everything else seems mild in comparison. If it was anxiety, I can't help but think it would be in both hands, not just in my affected side. I don't believe I even have the ability to be stressed or anxious about life and work, even though he kept alluding to the idea that I have a stressful job.

I have learned to live in the moment and really think only about today, every day. I have found ways to be nurturing and available to my children that don't need much physical exertion. In a nutshell, I have LET GO of many of my own expectations and worrying about whether people think I am a good mother, wife or employee. That is one of the positive changes I have seen from all of this. For the first time I have realized what it means to really stop and "smell the roses". I sit more and listen to my children, watching and just letting them know that I love them. It's hard to believe that before I was so busy trying to be "Supermom" that I missed many of the really special moments. Yeah, my house isn't as clean, but overall it isn't bad. I just take shortcuts wherever I can. I am still hopeful (naive?) but discouraged with the doctors. I have so many things in life to be grateful for and I don't intend to let anything stop me from enjoying them. I am not sure what the next step is for me with doctors and testing, but I guess in a few days I'll figure it out and move on. For today, I will do my best to muddle through the pain and look forward to celebrating my birthday with Eric for a few days in Kennebunkport.

Johnny the Superhero

I have only gotten to wear 2 johnny's this week, that is if you consider the cape like contraption I wore today a johnny. (Of course, it is only Thursday so there is hope I'll get called to wear another one tomorrow!) The nurse called it a Johnny, but it was really a cape with one tiny snap in the front. If it hadn't been covered in brightly colored flowers, was made of yarn and worn over the rest of my clothing, I may have actually liked it. I wore this for my mammogram and at one point when the nurse had flipped it back over my shoulders I told her I felt like a superhero with a flowery cape. The really great news is that my mammogram came out positive, nothing to worry about. And, if I do say so myself, my boobs look even better on film!

Yesterday I had a second cortisone shot in my neck. Since I was well prepared for the johnny and the back bearing, I had Eric write out a message for the doctor on my back. It said, "What's up Doc?" I think the doctor must expect just about anything because he took it in stride, even though I have noticed that he has a great sense of humor. Speaking of humor, the amount of time I spend going to doctors and the hospital for tests is getting beyond ridiculous. That and the frequent phone calls. When I told the receptionist at work I was going to the hospital again today she just shook her head in dismay. I told her I like to spend my spare time there, and I am getting to know a lot of people. Next week I have two appointments, so far. It's almost hard to believe that a year ago I would've done just about anything to avoid doctors and didn't take any medications, not even a vitamin. I don't even sweat it anymore when I have to bare naked parts, get injected, or subject myself to boob smooshage.

I have been working on knitting but things are getting done much slower than usual. I went through a knitting funk for a week or so where nothing seemed to turn out right. I started a second sock for "Mini Me" and realized that somehow I had counted wrong and had done several more rows of ribbing than I was supposed to. I switched over to a pair of mitts for my nephew but couldn't seem to get into it. It suddenly came to me a few nights ago that I really needed to knit with something extra soft and that would fix my "problem". I immediately came up with an idea and resurrected the angora that I bought at Spa last year. That seems to be just what I needed. I am making a hooded scarf with it and I'm almost done with the hood! I had forgotten how soft and utterly amazing this yarn is to knit with. I am already trying to think of another project so I can pick up some more at SPA this year. Eventually, I'll need to finish the sock and the mitts. I think my nephew will cast me out of the family if I don't make him those mitts soon. I have worked on several smaller projects and I am totally itching to make a sweater. I haven't decided what sweater I'll make, but immediately after the Xmas knitting is done, I will be casting on.

It's a birthday tree

When I was a child and went to visit my grandparents one of the things we would do around this time of year was go out and cut a birthday tree for my mother and I. My grandmother died when I was 8 and my grandfather died a year later when I was 9. Although the house my grandfather built was still in the family, there wasn't the same tie that brought us all together at that house in North New Portland.
Today Eric and I took the kids up there for the first time. We went up Millay Hill Road, where generations of my mother's family lived, back then without electricity or plumbing. In recent years electricity has been brought part way up the hill but there is still this vast forest up that hill that is relatively untouched and primitive. My cousin and his wife live up there, a hefty walk into the woods with solar panels providing electricity and hot water. My grandparents house is at the bottom of the hill, currently owned by another cousin and occupied only a few times a year. Across the field is a farm house where my great grandmother lived when I was very young.
It was hard to imagine that I had never brought my children there before. Tradition is very important to me and I try to pass on as much to my children as I can. Even though 25 years have passed since my grandparents were alive, the land and house still hold vivid memories for me. It was a long drive, 2 hours each way, to get a birthday tree. But the tree is special, because it came from Millay Hill Road in North New Portland, one of the most special places on earth. It's been over 25 years since I have had one of these.

Johnny my love

I've gotten one on my neck, one on my hip, three on my lower back, and today I got one on my chest. Nope, those aren't tattoos, those are the x-rays I have gotten over the past few months. Two were just this week. By the time I was crawling into my third johnny of the week earlier today, I couldn't help but hum that ol' Liz Fair tune, "Dance of the Seven Veils"
Johhny my love, get out of the business
It makes me wanna rough you up so badly
Makes me wanna roll you up in plastic
Toss you up and pump you full of lead

This was moments after a phone conversation with my PCP where she was instructing me to go for the chest x-ray and telling me it's time to get "aggressive". I adore her, but part of me wanted to say "huh huh, when did that become apparent?" I am thinking of the mounting medical bills from all of the CT scans, lumbar puncture, blood tests, EMG, nerve conduction and x-rays. Not to mention the several doctors and physical therapy, which I failed. Not only am I getting weary of the radiology dept at CMMC and inconclusive tests, but dammit I HATE johnny's!

Earlier this week I donned one to get a cortisone shot in my neck, where I might have arthritis. I am waiting patiently for that to work so that I can go next week to do it all again. I am also waiting for the radiology dept to tell me when I can pay them another visit for a diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound of my heart. The mammogram is on the advice of my neurologist deciding that although he doesn't think I have breast cancer, he can't figure out what might me causing my problems so maybe I have breast cancer, of course, not that he thinks so, but it could explain those things. (that was almost a direct quote, without the hands up in the air, baffled look attached) It's almost become an office joke that I spend all my lunches at the doctor's or radiology dept. Sometimes I do both. I am not concerned so much about the breast cancer, since I have almost had MS, arthritis, fibromayalgia, swollen lymph nodes and probably a few other things I've forgotten. I definitely have pinched nerves and can't walk without limping, but I don't know why. I've come to the conclusion that it's better not to worry until I get something worth worrying about.

The highlight of my adventures to the x-ray room was definitely today. Usually I get to keep my bra on under my johnny, but not today. No, I got to bare all under that bare thread tablecloth with strings I had wrapped around me. Not only did I get to sport that God awful contraption in an upright position, but the x-ray was pointing right at the spot that would prove to the world that my anatomy is not quite as perky as it used to be. The part that almost did me in (sometimes I swear I'm going to laugh myself to death) was when I got to sit in a chair a few feet away from some workmen doing demolition on the x-ray room. Yes, I must have looked so regal there in my johnny, boobs on my lap staring awkwardly askance, pretending to have a great fascnination with the clock, strategically keeping my gaze away from the men at work. One thing I have learned, modesty flies out of the window when you have the "great mysterious illness".

But no matter what, I will still reign supreme as the Queen of the backyard hot tub!

Emily's Meme keeps going...

I am going to keep this Meme going since that is the point of a meme. To find out more, check out Emily's blog here:
http://chickwithsticks.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/11/meme.html

Then if anyone reading this is so inclined, consider continuing it. Please let me know if you do! The challenge for me is keeping the answers to one word. That leaves some of the answers open to different interpretations.

Where is your mobile phone? purse
Where is your significant other? diningroom
Your hair color? dirty
Your mother? nurturing
Your father? wise
Your favorite thing? family
Your dream last night? work
Your dream goal? retirement
The room you’re in? livingroom
Your hobby? knitting
Your fear? unknown
Where do you want to be in 6 years? self-employed
Where were you last night? home
What you’re not? untruthful
One of your wish-list items? steady-gait
Where you grew up? Topsham
The last thing you did? processed
What are you wearing? legwarmers!
Your TV? off
Your pets? rambunctious
Your computer? works
Your mood? BRAZEN
Missing someone? grammy
Your car? red
Something you’re not wearing? tiara
Favourite shop? TKE
Your summer? short
Love someone? many
Your favourite color? periwinkle
When is the last time you laughed? 2:30
When is the last time you cried? doctor's

A Big Red Wolf I'd Rather Be

Serendipity is my all time favorite word. That and the form I most often it use it in, serendipitous. That's the word that came to mind when I got home from the library yesterday with a children's book and only then realized it was perfectly fitting for my mood. It was just serendipitous! I grabbed it off the shelf for two reasons, the title was "The Red Wolf" and the illustration on the cover was beautiful. I thought my son would enjoy it. When My son and I opened it up a short time later, I was delighted to find myself reading a story about a young girl knitting herself into a wolf costume in order to handle the great "wild world". I quickly decided that I was meant to find this book right at this moment.

I have always been a somewhat mild mannered person. I treat others the way I wanted to be treated only to often find myself falling "victim" to bullies and aggressive people who don't operate in kind. Over the past several weeks I have watched in somewhat slack jawed surprise as my meekness has slipped away, leaving a more confident and empowered me. I have wondered what was it that finally made me feel this good about standing up for myself! At first I felt horrible when I raised my voice in order to be heard. But yet, I did it again when another "doctor" refused to listen to me. It was then I realized that I had done something amazing, I had started letting others know that I am a person too. Since then, I haven't let any opportunity pass to stand up for myself when its been warranted. I have never felt so empowered in all my life. I have stood up to doctors and medical professionals several times without shrinking back. I have whole-heartedly declared that my chronic pain has nothing to do with depression and stood my ground in the face of huge circumspect. For the first time I didn't care whether I could convince someone else or not because I was convinced and that was all that mattered. It has even made me stronger at work and in other parts of my life. The more I stand up for myself, the better I feel, regardless of the chronic pain I have every day. Even though I have this pain, I am not a victim, not of whatever illness this is or of anyone else. Throughout my entire life I felt it was better to give in rather than cause strife, but I have finally realized that I can treat others the way I want to be treated yet still demand the same respect. I am telling the world, I am soooo the opposite of depressed, even though medically speaking I should be. I think my frequent flier miles at doctor's offices finally brought out this other side of me and it's one of the best things to have happened to me!

So anyone who loves knitting and wants to read a great children's story about being empowered through knitting, check out this book. "The Red Wolf" by Margaret Shannon.

From Publishers Weekly A canny seven-year-old princess and a trunkful of knitting wool bring down the house or, more accurately, the castle tower in this cleverly told tale. Locked up by her father to protect her from the dangers of the world, the princess Roselupin knits her magic birthday yarn into a fuzzy red wolf suit. "If the world's too wild for the likes of me,/ Then a BIG RED WOLF I'd rather be," she says. Becoming a red wolf so big she bursts right out of her tower, Roselupin revels in a day (and night) of freedom. But the next morning, in a development explained only in the illustrations, a thread catches on a twig and the princess's suit unravels. Captive again, the imperturbable Roselupin uses more yarn to knit her father "a rather mousy-looking pair of pajamas." The final picture shows a forlorn mouse in a crown gazing out the window as Roselupin runs to join a circle of children in the town square. Shannon's (Gullible's Troubles) antic mixed-media art will have readers howling, too; in one spread, the gargantuan wolf revels in a dazzling selection of baked goods offered by courtiers who seem lilliputian by comparison. The old-world castle town and the dark forest are the stuff of classic fairy tales, but Shannon's sly humor and resourceful heroine are eminently her own. Ages 4-8.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

A Super Garden Gnome with Glow In the Dark Teeth

Well, the countdown to Halloween is here. Only a few days left to make sure that everything is ready to go. I have gone over my checklist and made sure I have all that I need. I have even knit and felted a gnome hat. True to his character, my youngest has been building onto his ensemble so that he will indeed, be the strangest child on the streets this Friday night. I originally suggested that he be a garden gnome for Halloween. He quickly embraced the idea and began to notice and collect gnomes where ever he could. Then he decided that he must have a cape, so he became Super Garden Gnome. Then last week he came home with glow in the dark vampire teeth, and added that to the costume. This weekend we picked up some silly glasses. I am almost scared to see what he'll come up with next. I have a sneaking suspicion it may have something to do with his new long johns, which he insisted he needed after seeing his dad wearing some on Saturday. I can just picture it now, a long john wearing super caped garden gnome with harry potter glasses and glow in the dark teeth, oh and did I forget the camouflage belt? He is so different than my other two children, who are content to go as a football player and snow princess. Usually I can't even get them to wear a whole costume.

As for knitted projects, I've gotten a few things done.
An Alpaca hat, which I made for a friend's birthday and then stealthily kept for myself. I'll eventually get over the guilt.

A pair of Football mitts out of some stash I had lying around. No, not Stash the kitty although he did come out for the photo.

I also finished my Maine sweater a few weeks ago and an ear flap hat for Eric. I'll get pics soon.

I am currently working on a sweater for my son's 10th birthday, coming up in a week and a half. I am loving fair isle right now and will try to throw some into the sweater. I bought the yarn and colors before I had a plan and fair isle seems like a nice way to bring the colors into play in a creative way.

Time Out

It seems fitting that the weather is changing and the landscape is beginning to take on the look of fall. I have done a lot of my own changing while I adjust to getting to know a new me and accepting that I have a chronic illness. It didn't just happen, in fact for months I have avoided people like the plague and for years I have dealt with a variety of symptoms that come and go. It's only now that I can say with a certain level of acceptance that I am living with this. I like routine and knowing what to expect but I also do well with small amounts of change and usually get excited about what I might learn. That is the attitude I am attempting to garner here as I face an uncertain future and adjustment to my long term goals. I am also waiting for a name for my illness though I strongly suspect I know what lurks here. With luck, it won't be much longer. I haven't posted in a while because I have searched for the proper opening to what is going on with me. In some posts I left it out but that didn't seem like the thing to keep doing. It is not my intention to solicit sympathy just to offer an excuse for a somewhat noticeable change in my behavior that is difficult to explain in regular conversation.

In the meantime, I do not have a lot to show in the way of knitting but there are a few things I've been working on. I am rediscovering my passion for reading which had taken a backseat to knitting the past couple of years. I go back and forth between the two past times now and even though this is hard for me to believe, I have gone an entire day or two (or more, I've lost count) in the past few weeks without knitting. I also mixed in a trip to Disney World with the family a couple weeks ago. My plan was to make a bunch of baby hats for charity but I was so busy I managed to make half of one the entire week!

I've made two pairs of mittens in Noro for The Littles (my two younger children), but have already lost one of the second pair!

Alpaca Mitts for me,

A catnip light saber for my new kitty, Stash (I was originally thinking of naming him Darth). He doesn't quite like it yet, instead he fears the force...

and finally started working on my gray sweater again that was started in July. I am pinching myself because I wrote the pattern but cannot find it anywhere. I convinced myself last night that the sweater can still be finished (just the sleeves are left) and I have enough information to get by. As for my hope of sharing it with others, nada. It'll probably turn up in my son's bedroom around next April or so, along with the other mitten.

I am making myself finish the sweater. Once that is done I can move on to new projects. I have plans to knit a felted hat for my son's Halloween costume, a sweater for my oldest and then start Christmas presents. It doesn't seem like I am starting as early as I had planned this year. Hmmmm.

They are getting bigger

My kids started school last week. All of them. My youngest started kindergarten, my daughter started first grade and holy toledo my oldest is in fourth grade!!!


The most shocking thing of all...My newly minted football player. When did he get so big? It seems like just yesterday I was shattering my father's dreams by insisting in no uncertain terms that he would NEVER play football. Now my father is estactic that his "husky" grandson will put his body to good use. Or is he estactic that I am letting him play after swearing that he never would? I know what Eric thinks, but what does he know anyway. Looking at him in his uniform makes me feel old and on the upside, kinda small too.

He's in a happy place

Foster's story began almost 14 years ago when he was brought home to live with Eric and his then-girlfriend. The relationship between Eric and the girl didn't last so the girl left but the kitty remained. When I entered the picture he was a couple years old yet still very much a kitten. I remember how he'd pace the perimeter of the bed, not sure what to do with this new person around. He would hide whenever someone new came around those first few years. My son will forever bear the scar on his face from the time Foster met up with him unexpectedly. My son was 11 weeks old and napping on the bed. Foster jumped up for a little nap too and landed on this tiny human, scaring himself so badly he jumped right back off and left a scar. Eventually, he got used to me, my cats and a new child every few years. His skittishness went away by the time our oldest got into the toddler stage. By then I guess he'd figured out that if he could handle a child, he could handle strangers too. For the past few years Foster has mellowed and become social and lovable with everyone he met. A couple months ago he even allowed our 1 year old neighbor to pat him (mostly by grabbing his head). I was amazed at how much he has gone through over the years and how laid back he'd become. Eric and I were convinced for a while he'd live forever.

About a month ago, Foster started to lose weight and slow down. We suddenly recognized that he wasn't as invincible as we thought. In early August I started to prepare myself to face Foster's eventual death. I did a lot of thinking about what he has brought to our family over the years and how much has changed since he was a kitten. He didn't seem to be suffering but he just wasn't the same and I knew I needed all the time I could get to get used to the idea of him not being around.

About a week ago he stopped eating. A couple of days ago he stopped drinking. As much as I felt I would be honoring his lifetime of achievement by letting him die naturally at home, Eric and I couldn't continue to watch him go on this way. It was a hard decision but today he was put to sleep. He would die either way, but hopefully we spared him some pain and discomfort, even if it was just a few hours.

We will miss him. He was the symbol of a lost era to us. The time when we were young and life was so different. A time when a 19 year old could still get joy out of naming a cat after a beer. He was the constant member of the family that was been with us before we were even a family. He moved at least 5 times in his life, always coming with us no matter where we landed. He watched other pets come and go but always kept that special place of honor as the first one. He was a good cat and he will never be forgotten.

Ravelympics

I am competing in the Ravelympics, a twist off the Olympics for the Ravelry web site. The challenge is to complete projects within the chosen competition before the end of the Olympics. I am competing in the Vest Vault and the picture shows the front of the vest I am working on. I'm using sock yarn and size 3 needles, making it more of a challenge to complete. I'm also making the pattern up as I go along. It is a straight forward type of v-neck vest in colors just perfect for my little guy's first day of school. Just in case I actually finish this with time to spare, I am also planning a second vest but in a worsted weight. I've got my fingers crossed that my hands and wrists will be up to the challenge. I have a problem in my neck that causes pinched nerves in my arms and wrists. So far I have made pretty good progress.
This other project is a sweater that I began working on during vacation. I had hoped to get it done before the Ravelympics but that wasn't meant to be with the busy vacation schedule I had. I was really excited to start the vest so putting this aside for the time being hasn't been so difficult. The best part is when I pick it up again it should be completed in no time. This is another that I am making up as I go along. I wasn't sure it was going to fit well until I tried it on- I love it. Looking at it on the needles just doesn't do it justice. The yarn was a cheap wool that I picked up on sale for the heck of it. So far its been a great investment of both money and time. The label says its gray, but it has a blueish tint to it that reminds me of an ocean sky on a gray day. I don't know why but it makes me think of seagulls flying off in the distance over the ocean.

Back to Reality

I've been on vacation for the past week and a half but it seems like eons have passed. Every day has been filled with activity and we have truly made the most of every moment! We started off with a few days of camping, followed by a visit from Eric's mother from Montana and then a visit from Eric's father and his wife from New Hampshire. In the midst of this, Teagan got his hearing aids. The next day we celebrated his 5th birthday and the day after we had a birthday party. The most incredible thing happened, all the grandparents showed up at the same time and we immediately grabbed cameras to take advantage of the once in a lifetime moment.
For Teagan's birthday I made him a special Mr Roboto Hearing Aid Caddy (pictured). It has an opening in the back for the hearing aid case and in the front a pocket for extra batteries. Teagan has learned that when the hearing aids come out, they go right into Mr Roboto. He has adjusted very well to wearing the hearing aids and announced today that he doesn't even feel them anymore. He has happily stated that he can hear and I can see the wonderful change in him.


So tomorrow, it's back to work and life has we know it. While I can't say that I am glad to be getting back to work, I am glad to be getting back into a routine. I have enjoyed all of the different moments of vacation but I am also pretty tired! It was just what I needed to keep my mind completely away from work. My one small regret is that I didn't spend just one day exploring other employment opportunities just to see what might be out there. There's nothing stopping me from still doing that, but it may have been easier to consider jumping ship while I was physically and mentally detached. Overall, I am not letting that or anything mar what has been a great vacation from the "norm". Can't wait to do it again!!!!

The Gift of Adversity

"I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers." -Kahlil Gibran, "Sand and Foam"

I am on day 2 of wallowing in self pity but I'm ready to start moving on. There will be more grief to come and I need to steady my pace to meet it head on with each new day. I am coming to accept that my son is hearing impaired and that I passed this on to him. Now I need to bolster up my strength to face the challenges that are yet to come. I have already learned so much in such a short time. I've learned good or bad that people can still surprise me. The friends I thought would be the most sympathetic have been the ones who have deserted me. Others where I least expected have shown compassion and shared my grief. I have cried over these challenges yet I've come away with a deeper understanding of how I can be a better person. I am grateful that my son is healthy and resilient. I know that other parents have faced much greater challenges and that our family will get through this. Still, I don't feel guilty about wishing for a different outcome. I don't feel guilty for feeling a sense of loss, both for him and for myself. As hard as it is, I am trying to focus on the positive. There are very kind and generous people in the world and although those weren't the people I sought comfort from, they are there to make the world brighter. My value is not defined my another's ignorance. I became who I am through an adversity that most people will never understand. Thankfully, there are many people who can simply feel empathy, even if the experience is not their own. I have decided to let go of the anger I've felt so that I can move on with a few new lessons learned. Being hearing impaired has taught me lessons I never would have learned otherwise, and I would not trade that for anything. Hopefully in years to come, my son will also be grateful for the gift he's been given.

Square Neck Top

Square Neck Top
Originally uploaded by timbertot

It may seem like I've disappeared, but here I am in my latest knit. I have entered a new phase of knitting where I seem to come to a dead stop when it comes to sewing pieces together. I would've finished this a while back but I couldn't bring myself to sew it together. Now that this is finished, I am working on a stole for my cousin, she's turning 40 in August.

Mini Me

I call him "Mini Me" because he got my face, my sense of humor and a few of my other quirks. I'm sorry to say that "Mini Me" has added another distinguishing feature to credit the nickname, he has trouble hearing. I was born hearing impaired and when I started having children one of my worst fears was one of them would end up hearing impaired too. I was the diligent mom making sure they were screened and so relieved when each one could hear. Mini Me slipped past my radar, because he has one ear that works fairly well, unlike my issues in both ears. The Doctor's believed it was fluid and tubes would take care of it. With some skepticism, I have gone along with it hoping that would be all it is. I think I knew almost a year ago that this was something more. He was a quiet baby and he is just a little too much like me in some situations. I have become more aware that my methods of compensating have become his methods, making it even harder to recognize he is having difficulty. I prepared myself to accept that he may be hearing impaired and it will be okay. I turned out alright and he will too.
I just didn't expect to recall with such vividness the struggles I went through to become the adult that I am. Years ago I accepted that I am who I am, despite it being harder in some ways. I overcame the shame that young children can dole out on the playground and the fact that some adults think I'm a snob because I don't talk much. I figured I could make it better for him because I understand, and maybe the blessing in disguise is that I'd finally have someone who understands me. That being said I still wish I could find a way to make it easier and shelter him from the hurtful words that will inevitably come his way. Until today, I thought I was the only one taking this hard. But then we went to the Doctor for another visit to decide what to do next. When the Doctor left the room, Mini Me looked up at me, his face crumpled as he reached out and grabbed me around my neck. I hugged him as hard as I could for a couple of minutes and my heart broke. He doesn't have the words to express it, but the sorrow is there and the hugs are in high demand. I wish I could tell him it gets better from here.

I'm still knitting

Although my last few posts have been about anything other than knitting, I have still been at it. It has been pretty crazy around here for the past several weeks. I tend to go off in several directions while seeking an outlet for the stress I'm feeling. The result is several knitting projects at once along with many non-knitting related distractions. Along with the following projects I have been painting the house, doing yard work and experimenting all the ways I can use a waffle maker. I have also recently discovered that I can watch real music videos from the 80's on You Tube. This last one I have gleefully shared with my children, my daughter is shocked and disgusted while my boys have a new found respect. My 4 year old now thinks Cheap Trick is cool. Ahhh, Mini Me.

My main project is a long sweater using the wool/cashmere I bought in early May. I am nearly done with the body of it, and then will attach the sleeves and knit the neck. At first I kept wondering if I was crazy to do a thick warm sweater now, but the chill of the air conditioner at work has made this seem very appropriate. The rose and baby's breath is from my garden and the sweater is in the background.


I've been working on the second of a pair of socks in a yarn made from corn. This is the project I choose for hot days outside when the wool of the sweater is just too much.

I've also completed most of a sweater for my daughter. It's modeled after my cotton cable sweater but since the original pattern was for an adult, I have modified it to knit mostly in the round and in a smaller size. I just have to finish the second arm on that one.
Last but not least, I included a pic of a tee I finished a week and a half ago. It took forever but came out awesome! It is made with a new Spunky Eclectic www.spunkyeclectic.com yarn called Summer, a rayon and cotton blend. It is shiny, shimmery, smooth and soft. Soooo nice.

Due to budget cuts...

... The light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off!

Attention Bill O'Reilly, please add me to your list of Pinheads. I have officially traded in my integrity for my job. Budget cuts and laying people off lurks in my conscience. Although I still have a heart, I have given a piece of it to the devil and today he took his share. It hurt at first, but now has scabbed over and left this burning scab of anger and hatred in its place. The pain and anger will be held at bay as long as no one picks at the scab. I repeat, do not pick at the scab. I am willing to fight dirty to keep the devil from taking more than his share and I'm spoiling for a fight. Who ever said the good guy always wins does not know the devil as I do.

GUPPIES

Logic and Emotion have been fighting for over a week now. I am done predicting there will be a clear winner, just going with the current one in the lead at any given moment. They are starting to compromise a bit though, which is making things a tad easier. Emotion decided around 10am on Wednesday that the only thing that would make the world better would be guppies. Logic didn't say no right away but decided to give more serious consideration to the idea before acting on it. Emotion wasn't happy because she wanted to leave work and get guppies at 11am on Wednesday. Together they managed to discuss (er, argue?) the pros and cons of guppies for a couple days. Eventually, after all the drama of Emotion whining "but its just guppies! All I want is guppies" and Logic asking for Emotion to be quiet (just for a second) so she could think this through, they agreed to get guppies. Logic finally agreed with the stipulation that the tank for guppies be purchased and prepared ahead of time before welcoming new visitors. Emotion just wanted the damn guppies, but went along with it anyway. They are both now pleased to say the guppies (thanks to Emotion) are here in their new home and more likely to survive, (thanks to Logic) in the tank they prepped ahead. Why guppies (why not goldfish or sharks)? Well, let's remember it wasn't logic's idea.

Titanic Style

Eric got this spur of the moment idea when we were camping last weekend to do a movie pose. We were trying to re-create the scene from Titanic where they are hanging from the front of the boat. Our oldest son was the camera man, but he took the shot before we were ready. Really, that's my story and I'm sticking to it (that and the 3 Hard Mike's I chugged right before). We were oblivious to how inappropriate we were, and apparently so was the little girl in the background. Imagine our surprise when our impromptu movie shot went beyond what is suitable for the playground. Course, we didn't know it at the time or I would have been shamefully sneaking out of the campground in the dark of the night. They must think we are terrible parents~ Arghhh matey!

From arbitrary to crash & burn

So how do I know when I've gone from skidding outta control to crash and burn? Well, there's smoke coming out of my ears, my hair is singed, my feet feel like they're burning, I'm leaking fluids, my hood feels like it's dented but my backside is all twisted up and I can't see through all the crap on my glasses. Come to think of it, my body hurts all over. I think the damage is extensive, but repairable. I may just have to live with a tweaked frame for the rest of my life.

Gone arbitrary

How do I know when life is going too fast and I am skidding outta control? Well, first there's the inability to laugh at a good joke, or laughing too hard at a not so good joke. And then there's the complete arbitrariness that creeps over me and replaces all the productive thoughts in my brain. To steal from a wonderful, fantastic, awesome group on Ravelry, I go a bit "Completely Pointless and Arbitrary" myself. So, this is one of those days and I have just torn myself away from reading the most mindless (yet hysterical) random arbitrary ramblings of knitters around the world. Most days I just don't have the time for that, but on the skidding outta control days, it's about all I can do. These are the days when I am driving in my car and forget to turn the music on, while wondering why do the birds fly into the road, land and then take off all in the space of seconds while I am barreling towards them? Helloooo, don't they realize that is dangerous and unnecessary? Then the onslaught of random thoughts spirals out of control. Should I become a republican? How bad would it have to be for me to be a republican? Was I out of line to compare a certain someone to a hamster eating her young? OMG, why can't I get the picture out of my head of tiny little hamsters marching around like the gestapo so they won't be eaten too??!!! That's not funny, so why am I laughing? Do I look crazy driving in my car alone and laughing? For God's sake, "East bound and down, load it up and truck it, we're gonna do what they say can't be done" has no purpose in my life and yet it spends more time stuck in my head than any other song on the universe!! Could I be totally missing the point? Should I be loading it up and trucking to somewhere? Am I doing what can't be done. I want a clue. And if there is something to be said for the dumb songs that replay over and over in my head, year after year, then what's the story with these other regulars "Hit me with your best shot", "I'm here, to remind you of the mess you left when you went away", "Welcome to the jungle, baby" and my most recent "Dear Mr. President" Just to name a few. Maybe there is a point and I'm missing it. But why does it mostly happen when I walk into my bathroom? Is that when my thoughts are most random and therefore prone to musicgetsstuckinmyhead syndrome? Maybe I just need to load it up (the bullshit), truck it faster than what seems possible while daring people to stop me (with their best shot) and tell everyone who has screwed me over about the mess they've left me to deal with and just accept that its a friggin jungle out there that's getting worse everyday that is mostly caused by the president (who can't sleep at night because he's so guilty) and all the other people out there like him. Yes that's it, I'm glad I worked that one out.
Let's just see if I can outwit the random thought train again tomorrow, hah! Now, I must use my new self awareness for good and go channel it into knitting.

More Than a Blanket

I have been quiet on this project, but the time has finally come to share it and all the wonderful meaning behind it. A while back I mentioned that a friend was sick, but I didn't say much more. I was reeling from the shock and sadness of learning that a beloved coworker (Pam) was diagnosed with cancer and about to undergo hefty treatment. I shared my sorrow with the special knitting group from The Knitting Experience and they decided that a handmade gift was in order. The above blanket is the result of many hands and caring people! I am choked up at the magnitude of their generosity. Their support and delving into this project was a way for me to feel like I could do something in a seemingly powerless situation. When I first learned about Pam's illness, I couldn't imagine that such a bad thing could happen to such a great person. Pam continues to remain positive and even helped some of us when we were having difficulty accepting what was happening. I never doubted for a minute that she would come out of everything okay, but I couldn't bear the thought of her suffering through the treatments. She and the generosity of so many people have taught me once again that really good things can come out of bad things. I continue to be amazed at how many people at work have contributed to gift baskets and meals for her family. She is truly a deserving individual who has touched many people with her kindness and laughter. Of all the projects I have shared, I am proudest of this blanket, not made by me, but my many people for Pam.

I am especially grateful to Bridget, who helped with yarn and sewing squares.

Easy Lace Afghan

Easy Lace Afghan
Originally uploaded by timbertot

My current WIP, an afghan. I have resisted an afghan this long (besides the squares I'm doing a bit at a time for Tant's blanket), and it is becoming more and more clear why. BORING! I'm still knitting because I don't have anything else going, yet I know that will have to change soon. I seem to enjoy torturing myself and seeing how far I can push before I throw in the towel. I think I'm at 10"- Whooo hooo. This will clearly be a long term project to fill in the spaces between other projects.

Have you any wool?

Yes sir, 4 bags full! One for me, one for me, one for me, and oh yeah, another one for me!

Yes, my obsession gets out of hand at times.

On Friday Eric and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. We went away for the weekend in Kennebunkport, ME. Although it rained pretty steadily, we had a great time in each other's company. In between side by side Swedish massages, relaxing in the hot tub (outside in the rain, how romantic) and dinners out, I managed to snag some great yarn deals. I've already gotten into a second ball of Lamb's Pride on an impromptu afghan. The Lamb's Pride was on clearance for 3.30 a ball, I stopped at 14. I've never faced the daunting task of knitting an afghan before but it only seemed appropriate with that much yarn. My pride and joy was the cashmere/wool blend I bought in a rosy color. It is so soft and I was hard pressed to walk out without it. Eric is so understanding, he actually encouraged me to go ahead and buy it. He still believes that I don't splurge on yarn that often. Interesting concept. I wonder how long I can keep that myth alive?

As for celebrating, we took some time to reminisce about the past 10 years and how much has changed. 3 kids, landlording, job changes, etc. On our first night I turned to Eric and asked, "Do you want to do something really wild and crazy?" He was right into that, so we switched sides of the bed. Whooo, crazy. After 10 years plus of sleeping on one side, it was almost too wild for me. I definitely regretted it in the morning.

The first photo above is of the new additions to the "stash" and the second is of me at Goose Rocks Beach with Timber Island in the background.

Back of cotton pullover

Back of cotton pullover
Originally uploaded by timbertot

I finished this sweater last week, in time to wear on a romantic getaway with my hubby. We celebrated 10 years this past weekend! (more details to come) I LOVE this sweater!

Child Abuse Prevention Month!

I haven't posted in a while and coincidentally, the sun has come out! Usually around April each year I get lost for a few days (or more) and all routine goes out the window as I abandon all regular duties to soak up some long missed rays. However, I never neglect my knitting, which I can do anywhere. It is so much nicer to knit outside.
I am working on a cotton sweater by Tahki Stacy Charles that is turning out to be perfect for this time of year. As I finished up the first side it occurred to me that the cable looks much like the ribbon worn to celebrate "Child Abuse Prevention" month. Even better (and purely coincidental) the color is the exact blue of the ribbon. So, my sweater is turning out as my own personal tribute to child abuse prevention. As I knit it, I think about the many children that I have worked with over the years. I can only hope to make a small difference and hope that children everywhere can feel loved and valued. If there is a child in your life, reach out and give him or her a hug, right now! I see children everyday that need a nurturing adult to take a moment to let them know they care. If you read this, please think about doing something to make a difference in a child's life.

Today's Headlines

Some highlights of my day in headlines:

4 Year Old Boy Pees in Canteen

Meanwhile, his mother is watching and immediately puts a halt to the stream of pee. Boy grins, scoops water into his canteen (from the bathtub) and drinks it. Mother declares that he shall henceforth be called "Peeman".

Fenway Frank Eats a Hot Dog

But refused to eat the Boston Baked Beans. The question now becomes, "Is he a cannibal?" Hard to say since he is a dog but he's named after the wiener.

Amy Is Mortified To Once Again Realize That Her Boss is a Bloomin' Idiot

One can only hope that people can learn from their mistakes. Perhaps its true that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. If I send something via email to notify you and 20 other people about an upcoming event and you forward it to me asking me to tell everyone does that make you stupid or am I losing my mind? Does doing it more than once change the answer? Another unsolved mystery.

9 Year Old Boy Risks Beating By Messing With His Momma

"Hey Mom, today I got into a fight and I punched a kid." Mother freaks, drops everything, in an instant loses all hope that "her boy" is going to turn out okay after all. "Ha ha, April Fool's". Father jumps in to tell boy that he is lucky because he wasn't sure he was going to be able to help when mom's shock turned to butt kicking. Mom laughs, "I would never teach a boy not to hit by beating him. Really, that's preposterous" Now we'll never know.

Husband Grows Facial Hair

Husband thinks he's so cool, growing a mustache and beard. Wife tsks regularly because she isn't quite sure how this is going to turn out. Wife kindly asks husband to shave the beard but leave the stache. Husband is much obliged and the wife now realizes, hmmm, a mustache. Hmmm. Lets it slip at the dinner table that she really DOES like the mustache, a lot, a real lot. Inadvertently, while saying this her voice comes out all wrong and turns sultry and sexy, not her voice at all. Husband appears a bit shocked, children start to giggle and look away. Daughter calls out, "Does this mean you guys are having sex tonight?" Wife swears she wasn't drinking and doesn't know what happened. She is now very distracted by the mustache and thinks some mustache loving sexy chick has invaded her body. Hmmm.

Insensitive Jerk Ridicules Hearing Impaired Person

Woman hears people using the word cucka and questions not only is this still a word, but are they really saying that? Woman says, "Did you just say cucka?" Insensitive Jerk says, no, they didn't say cucka, turn your hearing aid up." Meanwhile, the other people continue to say "cucka". Woman asks again and gets confirmation on the cucka. Woman then looks at the insensitive jerk and reports that she was indeed correct in what she heard and the fact that she is hearing impaired is not a secret. It's not a good idea to belittle a hearing impaired person about hearing, I really can't stress that enough. Word to the wise, don't sarcastically ask people if they are deaf when they don't hear something you've said. You may just be surprised at the answer you get. And another thing, we can read lips too.

Turkey Intercepts Car on the Drive Home

There has been a huge influx of wild turkeys out and about this winter. Woman driving home from work is used to seeing them in yards she passes but she is shocked when she encounters one jumping from a snowbank onto the road directly in front of her car. She attempts to swerve but is unable to prevent her car from hitting the turkey. A bit shaken and nervous about what she'd find, the woman pulls over and gets out to inspect. She discovers that the turkey hit near the right front tire and is most certainly dead. There doesn't appear to be damage to her car, but wait, there is a severed turkey leg jambed up in the tire well. Not sure she can sustain a drive home knowing that it's there the woman goes to try to pull out the turkey leg. She pulls and pulls and pulls the leg, just like I am pulling yours.

Happy April Fool's Day!

We interrupt the binding off...

...for a photo. I am very close to binding off the bottom of my "Sprout" and then starting on the arms. I decided to do some of the cabling in the ribbing at the bottom like the cable on the sleeves.

Yes, I am posting for a second time in one day. Normally I would be hanging in my "knitting" chair in the dining room but some noxious paint fumes have driven me out. Since I am a creature of habit I am sorta ambling about now trying to find a spot to settle in. I haven't quite got the knack of being in the living room yet. I'm not sure if I'd rather go back to my spot and risk passing out or continue roaming until bed time. Eric is snoring on the couch so I need to figure something out soon.

I started to paint the kitchen a while back. I admit it was a long while back. I finally decided that it needs to get done and I'm not giving up my knitting to do it, so we hired someone. It felt a little weird at first letting someone come into my house while I'm not home. Once I realized that even the greatest snoop in the world couldn't dig any good dirt up on me, I felt better (and a little disappointed in my less than gritty existence). Now all I have to do is survive a few days of paint fumes and appliances in the dining room. I think I can, I think I can. My son put some candy in the toaster oven, which is on top of the microwave next to my chair. I can sit in my "knitting" chair and just grab out candy whenever I want. That's not so bad. Now where can we put the fridge?

Blah!

In the past week or so I have discovered a few things about myself. I am not exactly excited about these discoveries because as they say, "ignorance is bliss". I'm not going to pretend I was living in a state of bliss, but I will say it had it's finer points. So, what did I learn?

1. I have feelings. Blah. I hate feelings. Double blah. I was sooooo content to live in my little world of Detachment and Denial. I was PROUD of it, actually. I even told myself I was doing so well with it, I was just one Uncaring act away from being a complete DUD. I let the little voices in my head chant the virtues of apathy and hid my face from the problems in front of me. And then, I started crying because someone is ill. And I kept crying. And on day 3 I think I was crying because I was crying and I didn't think I could care that much. Damn. Then, we move on to the next discovery...

2. I kinda like how some feelings feel (but I still hate them). Having, and expressing, feelings is like opening up a world to other possibilities I wouldn't have normally risked finding out about. The dam has broke. Once you let one of those stupid tears through it's like they all want to start coming. And with tears of sadness comes tears of joy and all those other mixed up feelings in between. A really sad moment turns into an amazing discovery about kindness and giving that makes your heart full of love at the same time it's aching all over. Pretty soon you start writing all kinds of sappy bullshit on your blog and sounding like a blubbering idiot. You can already start to see why feelings can be bad, leading us to discovery #3...

3. I have "other" feelings too (like bad ones). Well, I already knew I had bad feelings. But, when it comes to sharing feelings I am closed tighter than a jar of pickles left to rust in the snow. I would often admit that I didn't even KNOW how I felt about things because I was so good at detaching from the "stronger" ones. My ability to maintain silence on what I am feeling has been a very important survival skill at work. However, I am only now realizing that there is a difference between open honest discussion about thoughts and one about feelings. I'll gladly share my thoughts with you, but feelings will cost ya. So, I have learned that on occasion I should ask myself (in my little stern voice), "How does that really make you feel?" "Now, be honest, no one else can ever know what your answer is if you don't say it out loud." "You're lying, tell the truth, even if it hurts. It's only hurting you."

Okay, I do that sometimes already. But now, I need to tell the truth, even if it's just to myself.

In my final discovery, I have come to realize that I am going to hell for having angry feelings and calling karma to pay a visit on a few folks. However, this is a price I am willing to pay if a certain stupid cashier at Wendy's chokes on a chicken sandwich and a certain old lady is seized and tried by a band of 16th century witch hunters.

It's starting to look like spring...inside

The winter weather has definitely overstayed it's welcome, in my opinion. With the first day of spring now having come and gone, I am declaring all out war on winter. First, I made a pair of socks in spring colors, light green and blue w/ lace, then I made camping reservations for Memorial Day weekend, and lastly, I transplanted some grass in a pot to gaze at while I knit. Today we went to the annual Maple Syrup Days, another spring tradition in Maine. It was really cold! I am only semi-confident that we'll get enough thaw to get the camper out of the snow in time for camping. It just doesn't seem possible that we'll be camping in 2 months. Eric and I are speculating how much snow is on the campsite right now. Just in case, I am working on a wool sweater to keep me extra warm. Actually, I am working on the sweater because it's been in the closet since October and I am not having much luck with any of my other projects. I'm just telling myself that knitting a wool sweater a week before April is useful because of the camping. My shrug is a mess, waiting to be ripped out, and my three attempts at "Sprout", a short cardi have been less than successful. I needed something mindless and since the wool sweater is already well into the boring knit a row, purl a row stage, I figure I can do that without too much trouble. I am not sure why I can't seem to knit lately without chaos. I thought it might be the painkillers I was living off of (thanks to a little sledding incident), but I finally don't need those anymore. That hasn't fixed the knitting. Perhaps I am rushing things, getting too cocky. Perhaps it's because I am trying to read directions, another thing I don't do well. Who knows, but I need to figure it out soon before all of my fingernails are chewed off!

It's A Man Thing!

Eric's sweater is done!!! I never thought that freakin', convoluted thing would ever be done. Ahh, but now he's happy and we'll pretend this wasn't all as bad as it was. It all seemed to be going well (for the third time with this yarn) until I got all confused last night and made the neck too small. I took a deep breath, did a load of laundry and within 20 minutes had pulled back the bind-off and fixed it. I guess it was more the trial and error of the whole "man" sweater thing than the time or energy involved. Next time I'll use a pattern.

Now everyone in the family has a sweater handmade by me. What a lucky crew.

What's even better, tonight I can work on my Angora/Silk shrug without the guilt. I admit that I started it last week and worked on it for 3 days straight before I was able to regain consciousness and put it down. It's just so soft. Really really soft. I am not sure I can wear it without making an utter fool of myself, rubbing it over my face and caressing it. Thing is, I don't even care and I know I should. This yarn is like a gateway drug and it's taken hold of me! Too soon it will all be over and I am not sure if I'd rather wear it or knit it. It may just have to be something else after it's a shrug.

Ooh, it's my lucky day, the Girl Scout cookies have arrived. Must be the lucky green streak I have in my hair today! Gotta go nibble. Happy St. Paddy's Day!

Mullet Head

"#1 on the side and don't touch the back

#6 on the top and don't cut it wack, Jack"

[Beastie Boys, "Mullet Head"]

Okay, time to get my head outta the fiber! My 9 year old son has been working on a mullet for over 2 months now and the reality didn't actually hit me until just this morning. I honestly can't say I didn't "know" he's been doing this. Denial is just a really beautiful thing sometimes, and boy it's been working for me. I missed all the obvious signs. It started with him coming home with Eric a couple months ago with the first telltale signs, cut in the front, longer in the back. Then it's been the refusals to get it cut, the saying outright that he is growing a mullet and so on. Why, even last week he told me he has suggested to his friends at school that they should all grow mullets. I have dutifully scoffed when it's been discussed and told him it's ridiculous. But then immediately after these conversations I have happily minded my own business (and fiber) without actually worrying about it further. I mean, really, who could believe my child would do this? Well, my denial was brought to a painful end this morning and with a bone shuddering shock, revealed the truth of what was before me.

My son got into my car with a bright orange Moxie hat on and all this crazy hair sticking out. My daughter said, "Boy, your hair is long."

To which my son replied, "Yep, Business in the front, party in the back baby"

I swear to God, the sound of screeching brakes went zipping through my head. I turned around and saw what I have been denying for so long. A mullet in a bright orange mesh Moxie hat! (See the pic above, it's like that) What do I do????????? I have scoffed, really, it shouldn't have gotten this far. He knows this is bad. He's torturing me. That's it, he's not going anywhere except to school and back for a very long time! And by the way, I blame ERIC for this. He should have stopped this instead of finding it humorous or dare I say, encouraging it. Is it possible for my son's hair to cause me to have an identity crisis? My head hurts and I need meds. MAKE IT STOP. Oh I just need to touch my angora silk blend and it will all go away.

Angora/ Silk Yarn

Angora/ SIlk Yarn
Originally uploaded by timbertot

The yarn that makes me dizzy with desire. I want to touch it and knit with it. Alas, I am regaled with the should's and works in progress. I should finish Eric's sweater, some baby things, the list goes on. But soon enough , oh yarn of my dreams. I have been dreaming and plotting my hopes for you. I can't focus on work, knitting, or anything right now without thinking about you. I think I've dreamed up the perfect project for you. Maybe I'll just swatch you for now, and then finish those other things...

What kind of dinosaur am I?

A friend of mine has had a bit of a laugh at my expense with the whole hurt bum thing. She asked me what kind of dinosaur I would be. A Mega-Sore-Ass! At least it doesn't hurt as much to laugh now. I am beginning to think I'll never be able to sit properly again.

Finally, finally, finally, I am wearing my Knitter's Ring. I received the ring as a sweet surprise from Eric on Christmas day. We have finally gotten it the right size so I can talk with my hands without having it fly off and impale someone. Since I am still rather steamed about the whole wrong size thing and in no mood to rehash that, I'll just save that story for another time. I am posting a pic of the one from the jeweler's website. I am not saying where I got it, since I am also in no mood to give advertisement to the one stinking joint that sells the ring (hence the long story I refuse to tell about why it's taken more than two months for me to wear my new ring!!!). If you really want to know where to get one, drop me a line and I suppose I'll tell you.

Last night I bound off the body of Eric's sweater. I tried it on him, sorta, and it seems to fit so far. He got a bit excited and said, "So I could be wearing my sweater by this time next week?" Ha ha ha, his birthday isn't for another 2 weeks. I think I may just finish my other Trekking sock before starting the sleeves of his sweater. Then again, my oldest has been asking me to knit his gecko a sweater. I could waste, like 20 minutes doing that. Bottom line, If I don't finish Eric's sweater early then I won't have the whole dilemma of deciding whether to let him have it early or not. I am so smart, sometimes I scare myself.