Ways to beat a bully

I have decided to turn this post into an informative yet rare look at how to turn one's discontent with a bully into self satisying rebellion against the forces of evil. However, heed my words cautiously, my methods of rebellion are really passive agressive attempts to feel better because I don't have the gonads (but I do have closet full of balls, yarn balls) or personality to get really mean. I only use my little tricks to help myself feel powerful against the two bullies I deal with on a regular basis. Even so, I am sure to feel massive guilt and remorse for being conniving in my small and insignificant ways by putting this on a blog. That's why nice girls get bullied! This advice is meant only for other passive people who often tend to be left feeling the victim and wondering, "what did I do wrong here?" This advice isn't going to help you if you are a brave enough soul to take on the world's bad guys without so much as a bruise to your ego. Then again, even if you are a passive person, this advice isn't gonna help you. If I was so smart in dealing with bullies then I wouldn't be in a snit blogging about bullies right now!
So, here's how to rebel against bullies (do as I say, not as I do):
1. Laugh. Bullies hate more than anything to be laughed at. But, be careful when employing this method. You have to be generally a passive and nice enough person most of the time to actually get away with this when the situation arises. This is what I call "naive laughter", because you must simultaniously make the bully believe that you are unaware that this is not supposed to be a funny moment.
2. Know your bully The oddest thing about bullies is they tend never to be wrong. Sucks, I know but you can use this to your advantage. While they are busy never doing anything wrong you can be cataloging all their faults. Bullies also make the best hippocrates because of this blaring fault. When you find yourself under attack you just throw out the ole' "I don't understand cuz when you did XYZ, (pretty much the same thing), it was considered hero worthy. How is this different?" Oh, because you aren't getting your way, Wahhh!
3. Be nice So everyone hates the bully but you are nice. No backdoor methods here, just revel in the glory that the bully uses power and misery to get her way. Who needs that when you've got friends? Power through corruption and coercion can't be all that gratifying when all is said and done. When you are genuinely nice, you feel so much better about who you are and the positive impact you make on the world.
4. Watch out for the eeby geebies Bullies are bullies because they are actually afraid of something. It may take some time, but you can eventually figure out what that fear is. A standard in the bully business is the need for power and fear of losing it. Both my bullies have this. One also has a fear of being wrong and the other one has a fear of looking bad and amusingly enough, of the other bully. Once you identify the "fear factor" you have better chance of avoiding conflict with the bully. I am not about to suggest that you throw the fearful thing in a bully's face, there is no need of that, unless you are really desperate and looking to move soon. Nope, all you have to do is avoid anything that involves that fear. For example, if one of my bullies is afraid of the other bully (tee hee, I just like repeating it), then I should just steer clear of inducing the need for the fearful one to have to face the feared one on my behalf. Or, if the bully is afraid of losing power then don't do or say anything that threatens their perception of that. Okay wait, this is not sound advice, this is impossible! You really can't avoid this altogether since how a bully perceives a threat will never really make any sense to the rest of us. At the very least, you might find some enjoyment in knowing they have a fear, like one bully fearing another (I repeated it again because it's funny!)
5. Be on the ball Wow, that bully really would love to catch you in the wrong. Make this too hard by staying on top of your game and doing what you say you'll do. If you make a mistake, be honest and humble. Just be an all around good person who honestly tries to do what's right. This goes along with the "be nice" tip. It's hard to nail someone who is genuinely a good person. The bully loses clout when they go after you. This is an especially important tip when you are too nice because you really do not have the skill for one on one combat. Nice people find it almost impossible to play hardball when "mean" is the weapon of choice.
6. You can't teach the world to sing in perfect harmony! You must know in your heart that you and the bully will never have a trusting and respectful relationship unless the bullying stops. In most cases, bullies don't stop. Armed with this knowledge you can let go of this overwhelming inclination you have to make nicey nice. Bullies will try to smooth things over (for themselves)by attempting to make you feel like you are the bad guy, and convincing others to believe it as well. Bullies sometimes will try to make amends, but this usually entails doling out some guilt on you that somehow relates to their actions. You'll know you are dealing with a bully the first time you are somehow (again, what did I do wrong here?) responsible for their behavior even when it is logistically impossible. Here's an example, one of my bullies will often make decisions while ignoring input and warnings from others. She will become angry at those who disagree and insist that she is making the decision that she deems appropriate. Then when it blows up she will say that she was not given the information and it is our fault (remember, bullies aren't wrong). Every time she swears that had she known information then she would have made the right choice. Evidently we withhold information in some evil attempt to create havoc and misery because we have bad intentions and she always has the kindest bestest intentions I find this especially excruciating when a groupie joins her ranks and says, "what did you do to try to stop her?" adding to the notion that its still our fault for retreating when the angry outburst came out and giving up too soon. Soo, let go of any guilt you feel for not doing everything in your power to maintain the peace if making peace leaves you feel like the victim. And know that the bully usually has followers who are not the bullies themselves but people who stay close to the power and help keep the dysfunction running smoothly. By the way, this can be emotional abuse and will really screw with your noggin.
7. Silence is golden A bully gets power through coercion and manipulation. This includes manipulating you into believing a perception they are creating. They need data to manipulate and coerce, without anything to bend they can't do their dirty work. This is a good time for silence, especially when the data they seek to manipulate are your feelings. Don't allow them to know your feelings, those are powerful things and you own them! If a situation calls for defense on your part, defend yourself once with facts but do not get into the battle and do not show emotion. Then, don't say anything more You hold the power of silence and leave the bully wondering what you are thinking. This takes practice. After a few go rounds where you try to express yourself to a bully who isn't gonna hear that, you should be well healed from needing to continue this cycle of misery. My greatest triumph with one of my bullies was when I just sat there while she had what amounted to a one way conversation about our "differences". She actually talked herself out of taking it any further because I didn't respond, even though she tried to get me to. the only time a bully wants your opinion is when you refuse to give it, it's a power thing I sat there and watched her with no expression on my face, making her believe I didn't really care. Trust me, I had previously tried and the more I tried to state my case the more she had to argue against. By giving her nothing, nada, zip, she had no where to go with it and nothing to use against me. The truth is, I really did care because she made statements that were completely false and the irrefutable proof I had did not matter. She damaged the relationship beyond repair but going back to tip #6, I didn't hold myself resonsible and I left supremely satisfied that she wanted something from me that she couldn't get, my thoughts and feelings.
8. Find a balance Bullies are everywhere and can make you miserable if you let them. Find ways to improve your own self esteem and blow off some steam. Certainly you would not want to join in the coercive games they play, so go ahead and feel gratified by all the things that you do well, including being kind to your fellow man. Remember, you are a nice person and it goes against your nature to be mean so don't try to step up to the evil with evil of your own. Even if you successfully take on that challenge, you'll likely regret it soon enough. No matter how justified you feel in hurting someone back, you will lay in your bed feeling guilty, the bully won't. Spend time with people who love you just the way you are. Read a book, talk to friends, knit a voo doo doll, heck, put the bully's picture on a dart board and go to town. Whatever it is, don't hurt anyone else in the process and you'll do just fine. I just blogged about it...and I'd like to see a couple of bullies do something about it! Boo yah!!